I started writing this post in January 2019 but LIFE happened and somehow it got left unpublished. A lot has happened since then and I have updated at the end… so be sure to read all the way through! It is now February 2024 and I am working on getting this published for Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day later this year. I trust that God had a reason for letting me ‘LOSE’ track of this and I PRAY that this helps someone.

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Many of you have probably heard the term ‘Rainbow Baby’ and you probably already know that these are babies born after a miscarriage. Well, I consider both of my youngest to be Rainbow Babies as I had four very difficult pregnancies that ended in miscarriages before they were born. Not only that I had already been told that, because of some other female issues, my chances of carrying another baby to term were very slim… and I had completely given up on the idea of any additions to our family.

The months after I had gotten that news from the doctor I went into a bit of a depression. Every month was another month that I was reminded anew that my dreams were just dreams and would not become reality. I would silently grieve for the babies I longed for and no one knew the pain I was feeling.

I gave away all of the baby clothes I had been hanging on to. I also gave away the maternity clothes I had saved away. It was a hard thing to do but I knew that God had a reason even though I couldn’t understand it at the time. It turns out that His reason was indeed very GOOD although I couldn’t know that at the time.

I filled the longing by being a Sunday school teacher at our church. I loved the babies so I worked in the nursery. I even babysat and cared for some of the little ones outside of church. My kids loved having the babies at home even though they weren’t ours. I loved each and every one of them like they were my own and when we left NC it ripped a part of my heart out because I had to leave them behind.

Fast forward a bit and I had started a new life here in Florida. Then one Sunday before church I really wasn’t feeling well at all and a little voice told me I was pregnant. How could that be? Well, after church I stopped by the store and bought a cheapo test which would confirm that I was indeed pregnant. I wasn’t sure how to feel.

I was excited and nervous all at the same time. I already had four kids but there had been an 11-year span since my then youngest had been born. I was scared out of my mind. Then I wasn’t sure how my partner was going to take the news either as this was not something we had expected at all.

Then just a few short days later we had his niece and nephew temporarily placed with us by the state. A lot was happening and LIFE was so CRAZY. We eventually adopted both of them and another sibling.

When it came time for my first ultrasound (we were around 13 weeks) I was so EXCITED. My sister had found out that she too was expecting and our due dates were really close. We had our ultrasound appointments on the same day as well.

My excitement soon turned to heartbreak when the smile left the technician’s face and she left to get the doctor. My baby had no heartbeat. I was DEVASTATED.

After we left the office my phone was going crazy with people wanting to know how everything went and my sister sending pics of her ultrasound. I was trying to ignore everything as the news was still sinking in. I prayed that there had been a mistake but I knew in my heart that there hadn’t been. I mean I had seen it with my own eyes.

Eventually, I had to answer the phone calls and explain to everyone what had happened. Of course, no one knew exactly what to say and they tried to console me but I felt like no one could really understand what I was going through.

The next morning I went to my regular OB/GYN and she did a blood test to confirm what we suspected. She also gave me my options and I chose to wait it out and try to do things naturally. However, for me, this was not a good decision as I ended up hemorrhaging and being taken to the ER via ambulance. I really did believe I was going to die, had I stayed at home as I had previously planned to do then I probably would not be here writing this post now.

After spending several days in the hospital I was able to come home again and try to get back to ‘NORMAL’ life. We had the extra kiddos to keep me busy and then we also had some other LIFE events that kept my mind occupied… GOD KNEW I needed something to keep my mind off of what I was feeling.

In April of the next year, I unexpectedly became pregnant again. I was terrified because of my last pregnancy but I delivered a healthy baby boy followed by another baby boy the next spring after that. These were both high-risk pregnancies but God was so GOOD to keep us SAFE. Before these pregnancies, I had actually set up an appointment with the doctor to ‘take care’ of the issues I was having and that would’ve meant that there would be NO CHANCE for babies in the future. I found out I was pregnant after this procedure had been scheduled and after having these two babies I was not able to reschedule it as my doctor was no longer practicing medicine.

Sounds a bit CRAZY but God had a plan and He works in mysterious ways. I hope this might encourage others to keep the HOPE. The things that we see as FOREVER or PERMANENT don’t phase our God as He already has a PLAN for us and He will make a way.

Infertility is something that can affect ANYONE at ANY TIME and it can be DEVASTATING. This has unfortunately been the case with other people close to me but I KNOW that GOD will BLESS them when He feels that the TIME is RIGHT. I PRAY for anyone experiencing this right now because I KNOW how it feels and I KNOW how strong the DESIRE and LONGING for a CHILD can be but God has a reason for this WAIT and if you can just keep the FAITH He will keep His PROMISES.

Updates:

Almost 11 months after I began this post I learned I was pregnant again at the age of 42! Something I NEVER dreamed would even be POSSIBLE after the last two as the doctors had once again said that there would be no chance of me carrying another baby. That pregnancy was a bit more difficult and we faced so many CHALLENGES but GOD IS SO GOOD and He blessed us with a precious little girl who has proven to be a WARRIOR. She has changed our lives for the better and she is a BLESSING to anyone she meets. You can read more about her story on Facebook @thelittlegirlwhocould or here on our blog by searching ‘Shyanne’.

No matter what you are facing today please know that GOD sees you and that He LOVES you. He is working on a solution to the problem and He is BIGGER than any problem you may have!